AMC has been playing Friday the 13th movies all week as part of their annual Fearfest Halloween horror programming. I love everything AMC has been doing lately to push the boundaries with great writing and edgy ideas in series such as Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Hell on Wheels and The Walking Dead. However, a Friday the 13th without naughty camp councilors in all their glory just leaves me feeling sad and empty inside.
For decades now the Friday the 13th movies have ruled over all horror for their brutal combinations of sex and death. For many of us, our first glimpse of a naked girl was on late night TV, right before Jason stalked her through the woods and put a machete through her skull.
Who didn’t dream of growing up to be a deranged, masked killer slaughtering hot, promiscuous teenage girls in the woods, drenching their bouncing bosoms in buckets of blood and gore?
This Halloween I’m celebrating all that is sick and wrong with this world by reliving all those tantalizing titties that met their savage doom at the hands of Jason Voorhees (and his mommy) throughout the legacy of the greatest slasher series horror has ever known.
Friday the 13th (1980)
Mrs. Voorhees kicks off the slaughter in the original Friday the 13th as a mysterious prowler lurking in the woods around Camp Crystal Lake. Though the POV of her slashing horny, stoned teenagers is actually the thick, hairy hand of special FX master Tom Savini, that old lady is one gigantic pile of crazy. Driven by the voice of her (presumably) drowned son, she hacks up Kevin Bacon and numerous other teenagers in revenge for the negligence of camp councilors years before.
It’s 1958, and this poor lass gets slashed before she can even get her shirt off. She and her boyfriend are the first victims in the long, sordid saga of Camp Crystal Lake.
In the present, Camp Blood has reopened for business. Hitchhiking councilor Annie doesn’t even make it to camp before she gets chased down in the woods POV style by a crazed Jeep owner.
Kevin Bacon’s perky girlfriend lounging on the pier while the mysterious prowler watches from the trees.
More of Kevin Bacon’s girl. Her constantly hard nipples are the only reason to watch this movie besides Ari Lehman’s epic scare at the end.
The poor snake gets chopped into pieces before he even gets up her cute little pink bathrobe. Alice doesn’t get splattered in this installment, but Jason remedies that right away in Part 2.
The awkward moment when you do stupid things in the bathroom mirror right before a maniac killer ends your hot (but ultimately meaningless) existence.
Heading to bed after an exhilarating game of strip Monopoly. She has no idea she is about to be murdered in her hideous white night gown. Should have stuck with the bra and panties.