Back before the days of blogs, vlogs and social media the internet was divided into three main factions: gigantic and evil corporations, smut peddlers, and an ocean of personal websites full of hilarious, original rants and other writings. Yes, these coexisted with the cam girls whose mundane recollections of their days amidst half naked cam shots gave birth to the modern blog. But these sites were different.
Before Paris Hilton ruined the internet these sites, the so-called E/N genre (everything/nothing) consisted of random writings filled with hyperlinks to funny and disturbing pictures, videos, jokes, etc. And this was before the days of Youtube, so these sites even had to pay their own bandwidth bill to host those videos.
Yeah, it got expensive.
And more often than not, the occasional links to porn that some E/N sites utilized to pay the bills didn’t pay much at all since free porn has really always been the foundation of the internet. So E/N was a labor of love, with webmasters generally paying out of pocket to entertain you.
Of course Paris Hilton single-handedly stuck the dagger in this style of quality independent website, and then Myspace came along to twisted the blade and kick E/N’s twitching corpse.
But I have just recently discovered a few of my early inspirations still kicking around. These are some of the writers whose websites I read before I even launched the original Mental Shed, and to know they are still providing a light in these dark days of empty and soulless Web 2.0 warms my dry, beef jerky-like heart.
E/N was represented across vast interconnected networks of sites (I literally spent days clicking from link to link in the beginning) by funny, clever and witty 88×31 buttons and 468×60 banners. In those days a link page could be a mountain of tiny animated buttons all equally alluring.
But one that stood out from the packs of slogans like “Every time you masturbate God kills and kitten” and so on was a simple, cute little bunny smoking a cigarette and the title This May Hurt. A lad by the name of John Lacki was at fault for this atrocity. Lacki is responsible for providing some of the internet’s funniest writing on This May Hurt and eventually the Mental Shed, as well.
Now, by some miracle that Paris Hilton cannot control, This May Hurt has returned in the form of www.supertmh2.com
Another of my early favorites was angry Canadian Krank and KrankIndustries.com, who also eventually contributed to the Mental Shed. In it’s final days before registration expired I tried to keep KrankIndustries.com afloat in the Paris Hilton tidal wave, but surfers and webmasters alike had just become far more interested in information superhighway roadkill like celebrity sex tapes, the billions of clone TGP sites, and other bits of meaningless drivel that meant that personal E/N website could suddenly start paying for itself.
Today I discovered via This May Hurt that another of my favorites is still around – Spooky Meat. The name alone peaked my interested, but it was another ridiculously funny site that I could spend hours reading. Right now the front page is full of the same humor that made me laugh back then.
And not only is it still around, under the same ownership and offering the same level of hilarity as I remember it for, but Lacki and Krank also both contribute from time to time.
So support those writers who made the internet more than shopping and masturbation!
Click and read frequently: This May Hurt – Spooky Meat
I spent the last couple of days working with a good friend of mine on his new experimental acoustic storytelling project Luke Barstow and the Driftwood Conspiracy.
We spent a few evenings recording some initial demo tracks and preparing artwork for the internet launch.
We uploaded the first finished song and some art to the new Facebook page.
Here is some of the finished artwork:
Prints of this available right here.
Follow the conspiracy here: Luke Barstow and the Driftwood Conspiracy
The Eat People store has been revamped with all new cannibal t-shirts and other merch, including a bloody custom Flip MinoHD for shooting your own HD horror flicks, porno, or any combination of the two.
Over the years the Eat People clothing concept has peaked the interest of many a cannibal, including the bass player of American Head Charge, who offered me a sponsorship deal that would have plastered Eat People t-shirts all over the American Head Charge DVD…if only I had any t-shirts at all to send his way.
So go check out the new Eat People store, be on the lookout for grotesque new designs, and join the new cannibal movement.
On a side note, the first Eat People swag ever bought was purchased by a vegan. Never saw that coming.
The official Eat People store is right here.
You can follow the flesh-eating on the new facebook page right here.
The latest bastard child of the Mental Shed has been officially launched today: ZombieMasses.com!
The unofficial, unauthorized blog of the dead will feature the latest zombie news, movies, games, art and more.
So if you like dead things that rise from the grave to consume your flesh then today is your lucky day!
Check it out: www.zombiemasses.com
Mental Shed Christmas Classics has just launched the official, limited edition bumper sticker of the 2010 xxxmas season!
After dusting off the shelves of the somewhat dilapidated Mental Shed storefront, it became clear that further infection of the holidays was necessary.
So I locked myself away deep in the lower levels of the Mental Shed lab for about a half hour, and when I finally came back out mysteriously smelling like urine I brought forth the first ever offering to the Christmas gods…besides the cartoons and the Mrs. Claus Zombie Pinup.
So if you, too, have a fear of mall Santas, especially in the ghetto, or have one of those “special relationships” with Santa, then the Santa’s Lap Gave Me Herpes bumper sticker is right for you. You just don’t know it yet, since our bumper sticker model quit when she was informed our bumper stickers are modeled nude.
So get yours now before they’re gone right here, but be careful…they might be handmade.
Follow the Mental Shed Christmas Classics (but not too closely) on Facebook right here.
Mental Shed Christmas Classics – Christmas for the crazies.
Like one clever little comic said, if stores are going to start selling Christmas stuff in October, then you have to expect a few zombies in the manger.
Continuing the Mental Shed Christmas Classics tradition of horrible xmas wishes, this first ever official Mental Shed art print features a zombie pinup Mrs. Claus stalking her way through the snow to bring the zombie outbreak right down your chimney.
This one-of-a-kind, handcrafted piece of Christmas zombie pinup art will only last until she thaws out and the rot sets in, so get yours today at one of these zombie and STD-free internet shops: Deviant Art or RedBubble.
This Christmas, give the gift that keeps on giving…at least until the human race is devoured.
Follow the Mental Shed Christmas Classics on facebook right here.
It’s no secret that trying to remodel around years of dust, clutter and dead hookers can make for a pretty messy job.
So behind every empty page, bad font color and dull graphic, just imagine the rotting, slutty corpses piled up and inhibiting my progress. So what if I indulge a little. Only in your head will you admit that you would, too.
Anyway…
The new Mental Shed serves many purposes beyond the deviant – it is a portfolio, a business front, an international learning center of the world wide what-the-fuck and my personal notepad for jotting down all the terrifying things that haunt me, in hopes that they might traumatize you, as well.
What’s that, you say – a learning center? Excuse me?
In all the Mental Shed’s dirty, low brow years kicking around this filth hole internet, the only educational information ever presented were blatant lies, with the exception of some extremely biased opnions which I hoped to pass off as fact. Anyone who spent any amount of time on the Mental Shed was probably only lucky enough to learn one of these basic laws of Mental Shed psychics:
1. Anything you will ever do in your life will only lead you to the real or metaphorical equivalent of life in a trailer park.
2. There is a secret and horrible place in the darkest depths of Iowa called Pigfucker’s Grotto. We can only fantasize, uh…I mean…guess…at what atrocities happen there.
3. Travel writing can in fact be entertaining…even if said travel is merely drug-induced hallucination.
4. Cannibalism is apparently frowned upon. In certain societies.
5. Roadkill is not a fashion accessory. No matter what I’ve said in the past.
6. Never give Baby Jesus crabs for Christmas.
That about covers it. If you are one of the lucky individuals to have gained these hard-earned insights into the nature of life and the human psyche, then you will surely be excited to know that not only will I be broadcasting these great wisdoms to the world once again, but you are receiving them now subliminally as you read this.
As an added bonus, or added value content, if you will, aside from the usual spiritual enlightenment and anal chakra cleansing you have come to expect from the Mental Shed, I will also be writing about the only other thing I know besides male prostitution in a post-apocalyptic zombie infestation: the filthy little world websites and online marketing.
And of course I will be divulging these juicy morsels of internet idiocracy as obscenely as humanly possible.
Because having a serious conversation about anything with three-or-four-letter abbreviations ending in three-or-four-letter file extensions in a sophisticated, educated and intelligent manner is not a very effective panty-dropper. I mean, the internet can still be sexy, right? Or has social networking ruined everything? Everyone is now connected to their Moms, aunts, grandmas and fourth period trigonometry teachers, so they act as fake and virginal online as they do in person.
Thanks Facebook, you’ve ruined the only thing that internet had going for it.
So anyway…renovations. Mental Shed. Dead hookers in the walls. Drug-induced travel writing. And Paris Hilton. Lots and lots of Paris Hilton. I know you’re excited, but you have to contain yourself so the person next to you doesn’t complain of sexual harassment. There is a time and place for leg humping, but this is not it.
I will be adding things to the site continually until I run out of things to add, at which point I will make some more things to add.
So if the internet hasn’t already snuffed the last of your precious brain cells, make sure you still around and I’ll finish them off for you!
The body of Jesus Christ didn’t vanish from its tomb – it was eaten.
Here are some unnerving tales of cannibalism from the Good Book:
Deuteronomy 28:53-57 (also Lev 26:29)
Because of the suffering that your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the Lord your God has given you. Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating. It will be all he has left because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of all your cities. The most gentle and sensitive woman among you – so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot – will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For she intends to eat them secretly during the siege and in the distress that your enemy will inflict on you in your cities.
2 Kings 6:26-29
As the king of Israel was passing by on the wall, a woman cried to him, “Help me, my lord the king!”
The king replied, “If the Lord does not help you, where can I get help for you? From the threshing floor? From the winepress?” Then he asked her, “What’s the matter?”
She answered, “This woman said to me, ‘Give up your son so we may eat him today, and tomorrow we’ll eat my son.’ So we cooked my son and ate him. The next day I said to her, ‘Give up your son so we may eat him,’ but she had hidden him.”
Jeremiah 19:9 (also Ezek 5:10)
I will make them eat the flesh of their sons and daughters, and they will eat one another’s flesh during the stress of the siege imposed on them by the enemies who seek their lives.
Lamentations 4:10
With their own hands compassionate women
have cooked their own children,
who became their food
when my people were destroyed.
John 6:53-56
Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him.
Hooray for eating people.
